When you live in a nightmare, its written all over your face.

1. Getting mixed signals from different people is the worst, because you never know what to make of it, and then you always end up being wrong about them and you look like a fool.

2. I hate being sick, I just feel like off'ing myself every time I get really bad sinuses because I can't sleep at night (as if I didn't have enough trouble sleeping at night).

3. Basically an addition to #1, I wish people wouldn't beat around the bush when it comes to certain things. If you feel a certain way, then you should be able to tell someone. If you hate someone, then you shouldn't act like you like them and vice versa.

Also:
I saw someone today that I hoped I would never have to see again. It's just hard, and I always think about it. I don't think anyone really grasps the significance of it, because everyone just kind of brushes it off when I tell them about it. Which is why I never talk about it anymore, but it still bothers me deep down inside. Not just from her end, but from my best friend's side of it. I can't believe he would do that.

Also Pt. 2:
Thinking about what my best friend did to me, reminds me of what he did to another really good friend of mine. What he did to me doesn't even compare to what he did to him. I don't know if I'm ever going to forget about that, it's always going to be in the back of my head and I'm always going to think about it from time to time.

Note to everyone:
If you see me looking down, or sad, don't think that's it's because of some recent event. I usually always dwell about the past and sometimes things just bring me down and if I don't want to talk about it, then just drop it.

well, it seems that lately I've been drifting away from some of my closest friends, brian, anh, and sarah. for the most part, me and brian and anh are still friends, we just don't hang out as much. as for sarah, I don't really know. I wish I knew, but I don't. I just know we really aren't talking right now, for reasons I wish I really understood. she's not really disappointed though, I can tell. not like I am. she's still got brian to keep her happy, and I'm happy for them. ever since they started dating, I knew that I would be replaced by brian as the boy she cared for the most, and I, being her best friend, would just have to watch from the sidelines and they prance around and about in their careless, "young and in love" mind. I wish I had someone to call my own, someone who I too, could share those feelings with. someone to keep me company on these warm summer nights. someone to share my deepest, most inner thoughts with. someone that I can confide in. someone that will tell me they love me as much as I love them.
someone that probably doesn't exist.

Happy Independence Day to everyone.
I hope that everyone that's still alive is happy with their life right now. I feel like shit and I don't know why. This is what a toy feels like when its batteries run dry. I just feel like giving up sometimes. I don't even know where I'm going with this. Sorry for wasting your time.
You probably thought I had an interesting update or something really awesome and worth reading, but this is line upon line of the garbage that seems to be filling my head as of late. These run-on sentences don't seem to formulate anything but a glimpse of what might be going on in my head. Music calms me down sometimes. I feel if maybe I can sing at the top of my lungs until my chest caves in, then everything will be alright. Sometimes I think "you are not alone." Sometimes I think I'm right. Sometimes I'm wrong, oh-so-very wrong. And I am sorry.

I love my friends right now.
Each and every single one of them.
No matter how many times they piss me off.
They mean so much to me.
I miss sarah right now more than anything.
I miss hanging out with her day in and day out.
I think I need to get away for a while.
I think I'm going to take a trip to texas sometime soon.
I don't know for how long.
Just long enough for me to clear my head.
I just wish everyone was happy.

I been gone a long time.

Just before I saw the post about the chariot being on the sounds of the underground tour, I came across this unofficial warped tour page and it had a list of bands that were rumored to be on it. It says that the chariot, norma jean, bane, throwdown, and zao are possible bands for warped tour '06. If you ask me, I would rather go to warped tour and see the chariot than sounds of the underground. Too bad this is just a rumor.

Anyways, here's the link.

http://www.warpedtour.net/News/News.asp?NewsID=605

I have a new journal, it's exactly like this one.
But since the school blocked my journal, and mine only, I can't update from school anymore or look at my friends page.
So I'll be using this one to update from school.

Add it.

154

So I guess the school has finally been monitoring my internet use since they've managed to block my journal, along with my friends page. They didn't block anything else, so I guess I can still browse the communities and post. It's still pretty lame if you ask me. I swear by this time next year they'll have blocked every single page leaving only the school website left and they'll make kids start reading books for information. God forbid we should direct our attention to anything other than schoolwork for a minute.

I'm in multi media design 2 right now with sean, jon urban, and... rachel, well she's not in here, but she should be. It's such an easy class. I got my work done for the hour in less than 15 minutes. So I'm pretty much chillin right now. I'm actually listening to this cd I burned last night, it's mostly The #12, Horse the Band, the Stiletto Formal, and some other bands.

So the trip to Lawrence/Wichita this weekend is cancelled due to Anh making a bunch noise and waking up Brian's dad when we showed up at 3am Saturday night. Needless to say, Brian is grounded and had his car taken away until his grades are all at least a C. I'm pretty bummed because I really wanted to see As Cities Burn.

On a lighter note, I've been talking to Brian about making plans for spring break. I came up with this. Wednesday, March 22nd Lawrence, KS, Thursday, The Number Twelve Looks Like You, Minus The Bear, We're All Broken. That would be awesome to go to, considering Thursday and The #12 are two of my favorite bands. The day after the Thursday show, being the 23rd, Taste of Chaos is going to be in Kansas City which is only like a 20 minute drive from Lawrence. The only band I haven't seen that's worth seeing would probably be As I Lay Dying. Either way, it would be lots of fun.

Quote of the week: "Rape that bitch Roy!"

Okay, so I guess the school finally started monitoring my internet use and have come to the conclusion that my live journal and friends page should be blocked, but I can still see my communites and post... lame. I swear that by this time next year they'll even have google.com blocked due to it's vast resourceful use that could lead to someone stumbling upon a page that isn't 110% school related or of any educational purpose.

So I'm in multimedia design 2 with sean, jon urban, and kensi. It's pretty easy, I've already finished my work for the entire hour in the first 15 minutes. I'm currently listening to a pretty tight cd I made last night with a bunch of music I haven't heard in a while and some new stuff as well.

The trip to lawrence/wichita for this weekend has officially been cancelled due to brian's dad being up at 3am when we showed up to his house saturday night. I'm pretty bummed about it because I really wanted to go see As Cities Burn. On a lighter note, I've been talking to brian about our spring break trip to lawrence for the Thursday show on the 22nd. They'll be playing with The #12 Looks Like You, Minus the Bear, and We're All Broken, it should be pretty insane. The day after, being the 23rd, Taste of Chaos will be in Kansas City, and that would be fun to go to. Except the only band that I haven't seen on it that's worth seeing is probably As I Lay Dying.

Quote of the week: "Rape that bitch Roy!"

hi everyone.
it's Friday the 13th.
failed my drivers test by 1 fucking question because they messed up on wording it.
but they wouldn't let me retake it even though I would've passed had they not fucked up on the test.
fuck having to wait until you can see someone's headlights in your rear view mirrow to switch into the lane.
I'm now the jump page editor for the school newspaper, our first issue this year sucked pretty bad.
By next year I'll be the co-editor for the paper, which means a lot to me.

I love school right now, honestly.
I love my friends.
I love my family.
I love my extensive cd collection.
I love pretty much everything right now.

I don't know how I came about writing this.

The ropes around our neck hold us together,
and with high hopes we aim towards the sky.
The satin dresses our wrists, leaving only margins for error.
Beyond the rooftop, resides 7 stories full of lives
that only exhange greetings at the sound of sunrise.
I don't recall the air ever tasting this cold.
The stage is set, the audience is watching, waiting.
Our fall from such height is as groundbreaking
as truth that strikes fear in the eyes of those we behold.
Passed the sea of murderers, lies a symphony of liars.
We look down as the city of lights swiftly transits into a city of plight
where there are no indicators telling us to slow down.
We will carry on, and carry the guilt that transcends
the line between life and regret, from one being, to the next.

Tell me what you think, if you think it sucks, just say it sucks.
I don't like being lied to.

edit: I cleaned up and reworded some of the poem.